Scott's Worst Films of 2005

And now we come to the more fun aspect of movie reviewing: bashing the cream-of-the-crap that smears its way into theaters across the globe. 2005 was a veritable smorgasbord of horribleness, with eye-poppingly bad movies being released pretty much every week it seemed. Don?t let anyone tell you otherwise: there WAS a box-office slump in ?05, and it IS because of tremendously unappealing films. There is a sense of betrayal and disappointment on the part of the American moviegoing public, and the back slide will not reverse itself until the industry starts taking serious action.

This worst-of list is somewhat arbitrary; there were so many terrible films released that it?s tough to narrow them down into a Top 10. Some movies that I loathed did not make it, simply because there?s not enough space. But this list is a fair representation of what is to be avoided. Happy viewing!

1) Fun with Dick & Jane ? A massive stain on the careers of everybody involved, this movie is about as un-entertaining as one could possibly imagine. A comedy starring Jim Carrey without one single audible laugh? That?s a big problem. If you?d like to cringe with embarrassment while also being bored to tears, see this movie.

2) The Man ? Another so-called ?comedy? that has less laughs then your average funeral. The quality of this thing is beneath made-for-cable material; you actually feel like you have no brain while you?re watching it. Money you might spend to watch this flick is much better utilized buying alcohol and crack for the bum on the street corner (or yourself).

3) Last Days ? The most oppressively boring film of the year. Gus Van Sant takes art-house pretentiousness to its apocalyptic extreme. What?s even more peculiar is that the actual content of the film is anything but envelope-pushing. What we get is an unending series of drab conversations and brooding bodies. Anyone who loves this movie is straining and striving with all their might.

4) The Family Stone ? Absolutely loathsome ?domestic dramedy? that made me want to hurl feces at the screen more than any other movie of the year. This thing stinks so bad it will fry your nose hairs. A disgustingly liberal/politically-correct/feminized piece of tripe without an ounce of originality or creativity. Man I hate this movie.


5) The Aristocrats ? Possibly the most overrated film of the year. An amateur effort by any standard, this movie proves that the label of ?comedian? does not necessarily equal a funny person. This movie features some of the biggest yuksters out there, yet is thoroughly lacking in laughs. It?s just such a bad concept, with even worse execution. A.O. Scott and other intellectual morons should be ashamed for promoting this thing as heavy as they did. New York audiences made this thing a sensation because they?ll fall for any indie-film gimmick. Gotcha!

6) Dukes of Hazzard ? This one?s locked in mortal kombat with The Man for the moniker of Dumbest Movie of the Year. This one?s meant to appeal to people who live in areas like the one on display. Redneck backwater towns with the intelligence level of a gnat are what this flick?s all about, both in content and in marketing. There?s no conceivable reason to see this movie, unless you have a lameness fetish.

7) Serenity ? The fanboys wet their pants over this one and it turned out to be just as bad if not worse than any Hollywood cheese-fest to come down the conveyor belt. This movie comes from a TV sensibility, not a cinematic one. It can only be enjoyed by disengaging your brain and having zero expectations; two things that I really shouldn?t need to do in that dark theater. You say it?s zippy and fun, I say it?s crap.

8) Brothers Grimm ? Whoa! Who would?a thunk that this movie would be THIS bad? Not me, and I wasn?t even expecting it to be good. Lack of restraint and focus run amok in this shapeless turd. It?s supposed to be about magical storytellers and it can?t even tell a basic story with any competence. I fell asleep in the theater, and I wasn?t even tired.

9) A Sound of Thunder ? The funniest movie on this list, and it?s supposed to be a serious sci-fi action flick! If you and your friends are ready for a movie of howl-inducing, MST3K-like badness, you need look no further. What strange drugs were the producers and filmmakers on? Chances are you haven?t seen it, and things will probably stay that way.

10) The Great Raid ? Rivals even Last Days for sheer boredom. What we have is yet another WWII film with no new angle or twist. It is just so bland. It?s another clear example of filmmakers thinking that the audience will be captivated just because the material is ?important.? But such conceits are most definitely not enough to support a motion picture. The pacing is atrocious; I would have fallen asleep if my chair had been more comfortable.

So that?s the list. I also hated Bewitched (C-), Dark Water (C-), Zathura (C-), The Thing About My Folks (C-), Be Cool (C), and many, many others. Be vigilant, and in ?06, try to see films that actually have some value. You?re going to have to search hard.