Movie Review

Guardians of the Galaxy

Now here's a real whiz-banger, kids: a comical-book movie that's actually FUN! "You mean there's no over-ponderous dramatism or forced 'darkness' to trick people into thinking it’s a 'serious motion picture??'" No, there is not, young dingleberry! The "Hooked On A Feeling" promo campaign for this flick captured the spirit of the piece with surprising accuracy; I actually am hooked on the feeling that was provided to me. Does that make me a dork? Possibly, but isn't that the type of person who is controlling the buying power from Hollyweird right now? This fare is yet another brick in the wall, on which is spray-painted "We filmgoers care about established franchises - preferably from a graphic novel or serial format - and could care less about matinee idols for their own sake, let alone the latest "original" piece of industry detritus that went obsolete around the turn of the millennium." That would take a huge wall, and a master tagger to express that opinion coherently, but I digress.

I think what makes this joint work is that it doesn't "take itself seriously," but it does take seriously the idea of entertaining people through the comedic space action-disco format. It knows what it is and is proud of it. It actually tries to give you those gooey-warm cinema-magic emotions, and it’s unfortunate if you don't respond to such things…but clearly everyone involved is mucho happy that such a large bulk of ticket-buyers have resonated with the whole endeavor. People are sick of fan-boy fare that sucks the joy out of the proceedings, leaving you unsatisfied and feeling slightly stupid for even daring to be excited about such sticky tar-pit cinema.

Let's talk about how I metaphorically creamed my shorts during the almost-love scene. The music, camerawork, and sexual chemistry was enough to make me feel it, even more than a Spike Lee voiceover could have accomplished. I really wanted to be a space outlaw with the ability to romance a gorgeous green chick, in that moment. Actually, that's every moment of my fantasy-driven life. What is with how ridiculously alluring Zoe Saldana is? She's gotta be the sexiest alien ever put on film. I just hope that the vagina of her species conforms to basic humanoid standards. Alas, there are many great one-offs in this piece, from unexpected dancing to sarcastic comments that GET THE PEOPLE GOING! And isn't that what great movies are all about? Great scenes, great lines…filmmakers should take note of this: it's not about your bullshit "personal vision" or inside baseball jokes or concepts that only you understand. Please
the crowd, and lady-boys will please you (Bryan Singer knows this well).

Chris Pratt is cool and directly marketed to goons like me. The Marvel sales department has done their research and knows that cats of my demographic will relate to his irreverent humor and white-boy funkiness. His antics have made me want to take dance classes, which I was actually already thinking about prior to this film, as a way to meet bitches. Props to the comedian Bill Burr for waking me up to that. I would also get in better shape (a la Pratt again) and hone my rhythmic Kundalini. Basically, this film gives you practical advice, if you want to scoop it up.

What sucks about this movie? Plenty! Don't think that I turn non-objective just because I enjoy something. There's a hefty over-crust of cheese, to rival the greatest Chicago deep-dish. There's plenty of forced humor and "audience-pleasing" moments (timing the edits to accommodate your reactions, fan-slugs). It has the usual clichés of good-vs-bad, and protagonists who hate each other at first but then bond over light-hearted ass-kickery. The music is dope, but works better with the visuals and story than on its own. Basically, see this movie if you want to. Then wait with barely-contained passion for the sequel. Keep the Marvel poop-train going. They need money. Your mission is clear.

Scott's Grade: B+

A	15.1%
B	59.2%
C	24.5%
D	1.2%
F	0.0%