Movie Review

Godzilla (2014)

I hated Pacific Rim Too. So this movie is called Godzilla. What it amounts to is akin to a giant monster having his way with you in the guest bathroom. There’s a part where the title character breathes fire into another monster’s throat, effectively melting his body from within. I felt like this is what the movie did with me. Basically, this movie promises something that it can not and does not deliver. Those expecting kick-ass scenes of destruction will only get Kick-Ass walking around in scenes of destruction. There’s no plot or character development, but a few of the dorks sitting near me still applauded when Godzilla would get up to some cool shit.

Look, I’m a fan of spectacle but this movie was closer to testicles. If it sounds like I’m coming down harshly on this movie, well, you probably know how to read. It really is an anger-inducing experience, because you absorb its suckage in the first five minutes – much like the bug monsters absorb radiation – but you want to give it a chance nonetheless. So I gave it that chance, and it did wow me… briefly: Very briefly. Remember my review of War of the Worlds from 2005? The one where I said that Spielberg had my jaw on the floor with a nautical sequence? Well, this flick almost reaches that with a scene of incredible flooding in a major city. Notice how I said “almost.” It punches through the paper-wall but then doesn’t take time to rip through the rest of the façade with great vengeance and furious anger.

This flick is all about backing away from anything that could make it good. You came to see Godzilla? Well we’re going to have him as a supporting character without that much to do. He’s kind of like the fat friend in the romantic comedy: big, loud, and just exists so the hunk and the hot chick can get together. The monster reminded me of a rapper who’s too talentless to anchor his own album, so he resorts to a plethora of guest-stars to round out his effort. In this case, the hip-hop help comes in the form of these giant beetle creatures: Because we all bought a ticket to a movie called Giant Beetle Creatures.

Apparently there was a lawsuit that took the name of three producers out of the credits of the movie. Those guys were probably saying during production, “Maybe you might want to, you know, highlight the monster a little more in a monster movie.” And the schmucks who retained credit said, “Are you crazy?! People just want to see Aaron Taylor Johnson and a little bit of Sally Hawkins! Why are you bringing up this Godzilla character? Completely irrelevant – You have no honor.” It reminds me of the behind-the-scenes Kevin Smith story about the producer who wanted to make a Superman movie where he doesn’t fly and has no cape. The producers of this thing must’ve heard that story and thought, “This guy is the brilliant mind of our time! Next we’re going to get on that robot spider sequence, which is also mandatory.” This flick is just not recommendable. If it was, I would’ve said good things about it already, but I’m saying bad things about it because it left me in a whirlwind of disappointment.

Scott's Grade: C

A	15.1%
B	59.2%
C	24.5%
D	1.2%
F	0.0%