Movie Review

The Longest Yard

"The Longest Yard" is yet again another Adam Sandler vehicle that suckered me into it because of sheer charisma. Humor has come in spits and spurts for the comic actor since the late 90's, but no other actor has managed to coast on charisma for so long. He's like a really stupid dog that you just want to keep petting. This dog's antics have grown thin, though. I was thinking of calling the comedy in this movie lowbrow, but it's not even that ? it?s amateurish crap that wouldn't even make the cut in a prison talent show. Comedy is about taking a certain amount of risks, but what I hate about Sandler is that he seems to lack the two very things that his movies take as so funny ? balls.

He plays Paul Crewe, a former pro-quarterback bounced from the game for point shaving. He now spends his days drinking and mooching off his girlfriend (Courtney Cox Arquette, who even deserves better than this). After winding up in a 20-car collision with the police, Crewe is sentenced to three years in a Texas prison where football reigns supreme. The Warden (James Cromwell) wants Crewe to help perfect his prison guard team, going so far as to allow him to put together his own team of inmates to play against his guards in a practice game. Crewe enlists the help of The Caretaker (Chris Rock) and a former all American (Burt Reynolds) to help him put the team together.

This movie is based on the 1974 film of the same name, and even though I haven't seen the original, I can still say that Adam Sandler brings nothing to the table to justify a remake. His movie is flat, ugly, over the top, and completely erratic in terms of tone. The movie goes from terribly stupid physical comedy gags such as a transvestite cheerleading squad and Sandler engaging in a sexual escapade with the elderly to serious drama involving a character being blown up and a black character being called the "N" word by a bunch of white guards. The movie's constant run of gay bashing is mean-spirited, misguided, and nothing short of easy humor, taking the very low road that so many prison and Sandler comedies have taken before. The rest of the jokes barely even register. The story is a lame-duck underdog tale more interested in bone-jarring hits and one-dimensional caricatures than about the unity of the team.

And having Sandler play a role like this is just counter-productive. Sandler looks nothing like a jock and the last person he should be playing is a tough guy. The Sandler formula is far from a great one, but in flicks like "The Waterboy,? "Big Daddy," and "The Wedding Singer," the man-child routine has served him well enough. When he tries to play it cool, he loses the persona people have come to love. "The Longest Yard" and Adam Sandler are two things that never should have collided together. The same goes for Chris Rock and movies. Rock is one of the funniest stand-ups ever, but Hollywood has screwed him royally. His "Head of State" was a watered down piece of garbage for the pre-pubescent set (something that probably had to do more with nervous Hollywood executives than his own writing), and now he is playing second fiddle in a piece of garbage for the pre-pubescent set.

"The Longest Yard" is a boring waste of time with barely a laugh to be had. It's really handled without the slightest bit of care or regard, and it's reward will be that it will make a lot of money. So it is the way the Hollywood system works when the most asinine piece of crap will find an audience and a true piece of brilliance like Team America: World Police (which is now on DVD. Rent, rent, rent!) will be swept under the rug. The only justice here is that people who sacrifice quality for quick cash will never be remembered. In a few years they'll be showing this movie in prisons, and when they do, I hope the prisoners realize that at least they have their self respect.

Craig's Grade: D

A	10.9%
B	41.8%
C	31.8%
D	15.3%
F	0.3%