Movie Review

X-Men: Days of Future Past

Dramatic, dramatic, dramatic. Those are just three separate adjectives to describe X-Men: DOFP. I didn’t expect such gut-walloping rush of emotion from a popcorny flick. Nor did I really get that, but Bryan Singer and his team did their darndest to make me “feel it.” This film takes heavy influence from the Terminator franchise, as well as the Nolanverse of Batman joints. The high stakes melodrama mixed with the time travel conceit makes for an intoxicating fan-boy aroma. You probably think I’m going to start describing the plot, but this is Sycamore we’re talking about. Again, if you want rehashed story notes from your reviewers, LOOK ELSEWHERE, use your porn-filled eyeballs and check out the internets for every other hack critic who wants their piece of the commentary pie.

And while I’m on a tangent completely unrelated to this 20th Century Fox cinematic experience, let me say a few words about dickheads in movie theaters. I went to a 1 am showing of this cinematic piece of art. Due to the extremely late/early showtime, I was hoping to have a lot of room both in front, back, and to the sides of myself. While my side areas were adequately clear, some hot chick and her dick of the evening sat down in front of me. I was disappointed by this turn of events, because now I have to alter the shuffling of my feet to avoid accidentally kicking her in the back of her head. The girl who avoided my physical wrath yelled out at the screen when Hugh Jackman’s bare rectum was displayed in full IMAX glory. I wonder how her dick of the evening felt about this update. Jackman also has a lot of veins in his arms and stuff; surely he used some kind of performance-enhancing drug to play this role yet again. And wow, it sure is surprising to see his naked and muscularly-toned backside when Bryan Singer is behind the camera. I wonder if he called for extra takes on that day of shooting. He probably wanted to see Jackman in his trailer after principal photography wrapped.

Now let’s talk about the turd-blossom behind me who kicked my seat ten to twelve times throughout the course of the production. This is unacceptable. It was my greatest nightmare realized and totally ruined my Zen; good thing I had an IMAX-sized Jimmy McAvoy to rivet me to the screen. Also, when people were walking past us in the aisle to get to their seats, they kept saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” usually with their crotch facing forward and looking downward at me. Why are you saying sorry for trying to get to the seat that you reserved? I am just a lump of meat that you can observe on your journey to full filmed-entertainment personhood. The theater-goers of America really need to step their game up, or risk further losing the respect of the global community, not to mention their own generations of family. If you kick my seat more than twice during a screening, I should have the right to vote on whether you can breed or not.

Let me tell you the main thing that has been bugging me since I shuffled out of the screening. The character Quicksilver is so fast that time basically comes to a stop when he’s doing his thing. This is all realized in an excellent-yet-crappily-soundtracked scene where he literally micro-manages bullets out of the path of their intended targets. He can basically reshape the world in real-time anyway he sees fit. This is near God-like power. So how come after his one mission is completed, the rest of the X-Men don’t just take this kid and unleash him on the remaining events of the story? Why should it matter that Magneto can bend metal, make himself fly, and control killer robots, when this Quicksilver fella is in play? I mean, he could just run up to this arch-villain, pull off his helmet, pull his pants down, give him a double titty-twister, punch him out, and throw him into a pit of lava all before regular-speed guy knows that anything happened. This character is a deus ex machina that is dropped out halfway through so that the ensuing battles can be more challenging for the heroes and more subservient to the plot.

Basically, I liked this movie. It’s good water-cooler entertainment. It has enough meat for the people to talk about and for the nerds to argue over. The acting is professional across the board, with the standouts being Dinklage and McAvoy in my mind. There is a real sense of danger and tension; you really feel these characters might be doomed and that’s something rarely pulled off close-to-well in superhero-type fare. The set pieces have been scaled up from previous films, and move the overall action along nicely. Jennifer Lawrence gets to look hot, and we all know there’s nothing wrong with that. This flick definitely bit off more than it could chew, but that’s okay in this case. It has the task of trying to resolve the paradoxes of different timelines and conflicting information from previous films in the series. They knew enough not to give it a downer ending, because that might’ve laid on the dark molasses a little too thick. Overall, see this movie in IMAX 3D as an alternative to spanking your monkey.

Scott's Grade: B-

A	15.1%
B	59.2%
C	24.5%
D	1.2%
F	0.0%